Special April 1 report: Apple to buy Disney, Netflix, 13 other companies

Rumors that Apple plans to buy some “big name” companies are true. CEO Tim Cook has confirmed to Apple World Today that Apple plans to go on a shopping spree starting this month.

The company plans to buy Disney, Netflix, Tesla, Sony, Sonos, Leap Motion, Adobe, Uber, Spotify, Comcast, Dropbox, Square, SpaceX, ARM Holdings, and —surprisingly — Microsoft. Cook says Apple plans to buy the latter and discontinue Windows, so “I won’t have to listen to any more crap about Mac market share.” The purchase of Sony and Tesla means that, yes, the Apple HDTV and Apple Car projects are back on track. The SpaceX purchase will be used to develop technology so that Apple’s new “spaceship campus” will be able to, literally, fly like a spaceship.

“Hey, we’ve got a market cap of $731 billion, and all that bling is burning a whole in my pocket,” Cook said. “Oh yes, and we may buy Baskin-Robbins. Just because I like ice cream.”